so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
