When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
