i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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