First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
