Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
