Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
