i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
