she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
