I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
