Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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