from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
