i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
