theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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