I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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