What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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