I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
