He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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