I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize