Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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