Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
