my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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