I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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