ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
