My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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