Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
