did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I AM VODKA MAN
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
