HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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