In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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