I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
