I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
