hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize