I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You took a bar mat shot.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
