if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
