This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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