Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Houston, we have a blender
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
