I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize