Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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