On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
