Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
