I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
