Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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