Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
