who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
