I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
