I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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