Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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