she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize