bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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