I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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