Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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