I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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