he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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