I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize