Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
