ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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