The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How's work?
Spinning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
