Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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