the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize